This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
