I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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