we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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