I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
