it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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