I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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