Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
