i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i think i just lost a toe
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
