And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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