i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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