omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
