the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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