I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she looked like the before picture.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
