I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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