someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
