Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
