I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize