Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He better not be in your backpack
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
