I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
