The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
