i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
