i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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