He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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