New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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