I wish I could teleport
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
