A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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