so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
