I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
