Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
