I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
