i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Be still, my beating vagina.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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