When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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