This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
