things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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