The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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