I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
