I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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