i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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