I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
