Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
