My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
