Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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