i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
