ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They took my balls.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize