My balls are so social today.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
