I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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