I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
