I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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