I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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