apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
