No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
