Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
