my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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