EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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