i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
