there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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