omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
