seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
