I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
